THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
A woman walks up to a pharmacy store and asks for a pack of Carmel's cigarettes. She was a black woman dressed rather sexy with her breast exposed and an extremely short skirt. The clerk says they're out, and walks away. The woman concludes that the clerk had cigarettes, but just wanted to get rid of her becuase she didn't want to take the time to serve her or that she didn't like her looks.
This logic seems obviously irrational and paranoid. But consider the case of the woman whose husband comes home with a cloudy look on his face. She immediately concludes that he is angry because she was too tired to make love the previous night. She expects to be hurt by some sort of retaliation and responds quickly by becoming rude and defensive.
This logic makes perfect sense to her and she does not question her conclusion until she learns that her husband had a minor auto accident on the way home. In thinking with distortion, she may have used thoughts such as my husband often gets upset when "I disappoint him," or " my husband looks upset." The problem with this logic lies in her assumptions that her husband's moods must all relate to her and that she is the prime cause of his ups and downs.
This style of distorted thinking is called Personalization, the tendency to relate all objects and events around you. It creates a great deal of pain becuase the victim consistently misinterprets what he or she sees and then acts on the misterpretation. I'm sure you would agree we have all been guilty of this at one time or another.
Successful relationships deeply depend on our responses to behavioral patterns that are disturbing to others. First you should search within, and begin to seek new avenues leading to a healthy balance. Following what you find should also result in a new understanding of yourself and others. Seeking first to understand and after to be understood, is a healthy rule, and yet not commonly practiced by any of us.
The best tip off that you are using distorted thinking is the presence of painful emotions and feelings. If you are aware of painful emotions creating conflict in your relationship, focus on what you're thinking and perhaps immediately implement a change. Take a look at a few other distortions that you may be using in your personal relationships and your business one's as well.
FILTERING -- This distortion is characterized by a sort of tunnel vision looking at only one element of a situation to the exclusion of everything else.
POLARIZED -- The hallmark of this distortion is an insistence on dichotomous choices. You tend to perceive everything at the extremes, with very little room for middle ground. People and things are good or bad, wonderful or horrible, creating a black or white world.
EMOTIONAL REASONING -- At the root of this distortion is the belief that what you feel must be true. if you feel like a loser, then you must have done something wrong. If you have distorted thoughts and beliefs your emotions will reflect those distortions.
All of of us use one and or many of these distortions daily in our lives. What becomes important is our immediate recognition, and the many behavioral nunances used during those moments. Remember we can't have solid successful relationships, if we are overwhelmed with distortions. Seek first to understand, and after to be understood. You'll enjoy all your relationships in the future using this simple rule.
Rone de Beauvoir is a Chef/Author and owner the Catering Production firm Catering by Rone. She has lived in 22 counrties around the world and is the author of two new books. Click here www.amazon.com
to get information about ordering her book It's Only Dinner "Dining for Love Romance and Relationships." and click here for her new ebook Decadent Meals and Desserts "how to Conjure Up Love with Aphrodisics" www.mobipocket.com
This logic seems obviously irrational and paranoid. But consider the case of the woman whose husband comes home with a cloudy look on his face. She immediately concludes that he is angry because she was too tired to make love the previous night. She expects to be hurt by some sort of retaliation and responds quickly by becoming rude and defensive.
This logic makes perfect sense to her and she does not question her conclusion until she learns that her husband had a minor auto accident on the way home. In thinking with distortion, she may have used thoughts such as my husband often gets upset when "I disappoint him," or " my husband looks upset." The problem with this logic lies in her assumptions that her husband's moods must all relate to her and that she is the prime cause of his ups and downs.
This style of distorted thinking is called Personalization, the tendency to relate all objects and events around you. It creates a great deal of pain becuase the victim consistently misinterprets what he or she sees and then acts on the misterpretation. I'm sure you would agree we have all been guilty of this at one time or another.
Successful relationships deeply depend on our responses to behavioral patterns that are disturbing to others. First you should search within, and begin to seek new avenues leading to a healthy balance. Following what you find should also result in a new understanding of yourself and others. Seeking first to understand and after to be understood, is a healthy rule, and yet not commonly practiced by any of us.
The best tip off that you are using distorted thinking is the presence of painful emotions and feelings. If you are aware of painful emotions creating conflict in your relationship, focus on what you're thinking and perhaps immediately implement a change. Take a look at a few other distortions that you may be using in your personal relationships and your business one's as well.
FILTERING -- This distortion is characterized by a sort of tunnel vision looking at only one element of a situation to the exclusion of everything else.
POLARIZED -- The hallmark of this distortion is an insistence on dichotomous choices. You tend to perceive everything at the extremes, with very little room for middle ground. People and things are good or bad, wonderful or horrible, creating a black or white world.
EMOTIONAL REASONING -- At the root of this distortion is the belief that what you feel must be true. if you feel like a loser, then you must have done something wrong. If you have distorted thoughts and beliefs your emotions will reflect those distortions.
All of of us use one and or many of these distortions daily in our lives. What becomes important is our immediate recognition, and the many behavioral nunances used during those moments. Remember we can't have solid successful relationships, if we are overwhelmed with distortions. Seek first to understand, and after to be understood. You'll enjoy all your relationships in the future using this simple rule.
Rone de Beauvoir is a Chef/Author and owner the Catering Production firm Catering by Rone. She has lived in 22 counrties around the world and is the author of two new books. Click here www.amazon.com
to get information about ordering her book It's Only Dinner "Dining for Love Romance and Relationships." and click here for her new ebook Decadent Meals and Desserts "how to Conjure Up Love with Aphrodisics" www.mobipocket.com
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